We FALL down, but we GET UP!

In all, if you fall, do not hesitate to get up and try again! God has a purpose for everything that has taken place in your life…….

Exactly two years went by. In these two years, I have graduated college, (something I thought I would never do.) I was blessed and placed in a documentary film called, “All Because of a Man,” one that would not only help change my life, but change the lives of others. I would also get ordained at Northland Church as a Stephen Minister. I mean what more could a girl ask for! Things seem to be going well, so I thought. Here we are, everything felt right, but seemed wrong. I was watching things take placed in my life that would benefit me as a individual, but was it beneficial for God? Was it my true purpose, is it what God designed for me? I was back at square one. Trying to figure it all out. Still not fully healed over pastor and still looking for additional signs for freedom and understanding. I couldn’t figure it out and I blamed it all on everything and everyone but myself. I wanted to understand what God was doing but I just couldn’t come to terms that I had fallen off track. I had fallen and needed to get back up and try again.

Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans that I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future”………………..

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Will I be cleansed of everything?….

I want God to erase all my debt and make me whole again……

Funny how, I started my forty day fast, and it just happen to end the day of baptism. That’s how you know God does everything according to HIS plan. He speaks and we need to listen, he told me to fast I did, he told me to receive the baptism I did. The day of my baptism was arriving and I was so happy, I just wanted to be free. I played the song “Free” by Kierra Sheard, it drew me closer to God as I thought about my past and how it would all be erased; once I connected with God by leaving my after life and now coming into a new one. I was so excited. I thanked God everyday for this opportunity that he gave me.

Baptism day arrived, I wished that pastor was here to see it, he had helped me get to this point as well. I remember them reading my vows and me responding “I do” to each one. They got to number ten on the list and I remember this one well. “Do you believe that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit and that you are to honor God by caring for your body, avoiding the use of that which is harmful, abstaining from all unclean foods, from the use, manufacture, or sale of alcoholic beverages, the use, manufacture, or sale of tobacco in any of its forms for human consumption, and from the misuse of, or trafficking in, narcotics or other drugs?”…..”I do” I stated; under I went and then I arose out the water, it was like being born out of the mothers womb all over again. “Welcome” is what I heard from the Lord, ” Welcome to your new life!”

As the week went by, I struggled to understand why, I felt like the attack on my life was heavier. I felt more alone, than I ever did before. I thought I would feel different. I prayed to God and asked him for peace and for the spirit of loneliness to be cast away. It felt worst than before, “what is going on, I thought to myself?” I started to receive calls from ex’s. I answered, one of them. He stated that he had not seen me in a long time, and wondered if I would come by and see him. I was not too thrilled about it, but I figured I could handle myself well in this circumstance. I went over, even spent a few hours and thank goodness I gladly made it back safe and sound. Behold, he called another night. On this night, I knew I shouldn’t have went, but I figured that it was ok, I would be fine. I thought to myself, “the last time went well, plus I could use the company.” I went over, we had dinner and then called it a night. I stayed over….big mistake. I remember leaving the next morning in tears. “What have I done, Oh Lord!! What have I done!!” I felt like everything that I worked for, went down the drain, God would disown me, I thought. Why did I spend the night with this man, why?! I got on my knees and asked for forgiveness, I asked God to remove the spirit of loneliness from me again, this time with great desperation.

The next few days, I would go and visit my friend that I had not seen in almost a year. I was given the best testimony ever! God truly used them to feed my soul with the word. I was confident again, that I could do this and still start fresh. “Well, thanks for the talk, I will see you soon!” I stated to my friend. As I headed to my car, I see that I am blocked in by a big beautiful and shiny white S550 Mercedes. A dark bearded man with a low cut, about 5’11 steps out of the vehicle. He is dressed in mostly white; his cologne flows through the air, with a clean fresh scent which hits my nose.  His neatly creased white button up shirt and neatly creased shorts and manicured feet in his white sandals shows me that  he takes care of himself. He says, “wow, you are beautiful, what is your name?” I am reluctant to answer, but I do. He ask for dinner, I accept. “Dang, the spirit of loneliness will not let up off me!!” while shaking my head……..

God has a plan in sight……

If we continue to trust in the lord, our road ahead will be filled with greatness!

I continued to press on with following the lord. Some days were harder than others, being that pastor was no longer around. I isolated myself, afraid of the outside world. I no longer wanted to be associated with it, so I stayed to myself. The Lord saw this and watched. I continued my forty day fast. I gave up all meat, rice, breads, and sweets. Man, I had some trying times. I remember eating eggs almost everyday! My body lacked protein, some days I felt like I was drifting away, cause I wanted meat so bad.

Church became my place of rescue. Every Saturday, I was there listening to the word; still seeking answers to the new changes in my life. I wasn’t sure what God had in store for me, so I went hoping to have answers revealed. One day, I received part of it. On this day our pastor preached a great sermon. The end of the sermon, normally she would’ve asked for people to come to the front to be saved. This Saturday, it was different. Now, lets back up a bit, on my way to church that day, I said “Lord I wish to have my sins washed away.” You see, I was already saved, but I felt like I needed more. I had been baptized years ago, but some how I felt that I wasn’t aware of what it really meant at that time. I now wanted to build a more solid relationship with God, but how? Our pastor stated at the end of service, “I have it on my heart to ask someone to come up to the front that is looking to be baptized.” I looked around, surely she wasn’t talking to me, so  I kept my head down. “I am waiting” she stated, no one moved.  “Please, don’t be afraid!” she stated desperately, no one still moved from their seats. “Well ok, we will now close in prayer” she said. We started to pray, now I don’t why I felt like she was talking to me because all of a sudden I started to tremble and shake uncontrollably as if I felt the holy ghost tugging at my body.  She  stopped praying and said “I know you are out there, just come” the holy spirit now tugged at my heart. I looked around with one eye open, because we were technically still in prayer, and yet I saw no one still arrive to the front, this was for me! So, with my trembling body, I marched to the front. The congregation clapped and praised, yup it was for me the whole time.  I cried knowing that this is what I needed, this is just what I needed, to build a tight knit relationship with God….this would be another new beginning of something very, very special to come…..

 

 

 

 

Having Faith…….

Sometimes, things don’t go the way we want it, but we must have faith in the one that we serve….God

Things are now looking good, new place, new job, enrolled in school. Pastor and  are in love; things are just looking great. I feel blessed. I am so happy that I decided to follow the Lord. I feel renewed. Pastor and I are looking into hopefully having a future together, but the Lord sees something else. Pastor is starting to feel bombarded. He states to me one day that he is starting to feel like he is scared and he is worried about us having a future. He stated that maybe there may be things that I will not be able to handle, and he is also afraid that all these changes may be for the wrong reason. I advise pastor that all the changes are for good and I don’t mind. We do have some differences and challenges with some things, but I advise him that we can work on it. We can see where it goes. Pastor gets more concerned, he calls me and says, “I can not do this.” I feel like he is having a moment so I let him have it. As time goes on, I realize that pastor really wants this, he wants out! I basically lose it at this point. I try to have pastor see it my way, but he can’t, not now anyway. His vision is blurry about this relationship and he must move on. “Maybe this all happened because this was the initial plan that God wanted. He wanted me to help you and now that my job is done, maybe it is time for me to move on. I will never stop being here for you though. I am always here no matter what.” pastor stated, with a calm yet confident voice. I was lost, I couldn’t believe what I was hearing, why, how and when did this happen? I cried for days and days and days and weeks and months. I prayed for God to reason with me, “what did I do to deserve this Lord…what?!” I just couldn’t see why this was happening, to me after all that I have been through, why me God?! I wanted pastor back. He was my best and only friend. Look at all we have been through at this point. He gave up on me, but why?

Sleep was gone, I was sick. I couldn’t eat or barely concentrate. Yet still I had to go on, I just enrolled in school and I was already in my first semester of classes. I just cant let go and give in now. Pastor helped me get here, but now it is my job to finish. I decided to go on a forty day fast to embrace my connection with God. I prayed and spoke to him everyday. Pastor still stayed on my mind, but God was there to cheer me up. With that being said. I managed to make it through the first semester with two A’s and a B. Through all the turmoil and heartache, I made it. I had FAITH, that’s all that I needed. You see Satan sometimes will wait and watch to see our reaction, but if you have FAITH in Christ Jesus, that’s all you need, the answer to everything right in the palm of your hands. Just put them together and talk to him…..

God hears everything…..

Jesus set me free……

I never knew God really worked like this, life for me would never be the same……

The pastor was right….Jesus loved me, so I decided for once and all to join him for good. I made up my mind. I didn’t want anymore of the old life. The pastor help prepare me. On the days that I failed he kept me up, on the days that I didn’t want to go on, he pushed me. I started to see everything around me change, just like that!

Testimony: I remember getting an eviction notice and saying “what shall I do God?” I still didn’t have a job, I was down to my last funds in my account, everything was going wrong…Satan was after me, he knew I wanted out. I cried out…”why..why..God??!! I didn’t understand, but it would work out for my good. You see that trial that I was going through started to show me all sorts of things. It showed me good and evil. It showed me, how the world operated, how people operated, how money was only an object, but faith and prayer was the only answer to everything. I obeyed God, so I fasted for three days. I had no food, only water. I remember thinking to myself, how painful this was. The fast kept me weak in body, but prayer and obedience kept me strong in spirit. I remember my son saying to me,  “you are really serious about this, huh mom?” He was worried, as he watched his mother not place one marcel of food in her mouth, and suffer in silence and stay hopeful for answers. I continued to stay consistent, praying to God, waiting for a revolution. About three days later, God would answer.

I decided to email this company that I really wanted to work for. I didn’t have the degrees for the job, but I had just enrolled back in school, and was hoping for the opportunity for a chance to show them what I had to offer. I emailed the HR representative, telling her what was going on.  To God be the glory, she emailed me back the same day, and stated to come in for an interview the next day. The day of my interview, early morning while dropping my kids to school. I was in my car praising God, listening to Ricky Dillard “Turn Around” and all of a sudden, my car shuts off. In this moment, I just wanted to cry; I mean I couldn’t believe in that small space of time, my happiness turned to grief.  My car was shut down for at least five minutes, no one came to help; they only looked at me in anger as they sped around me, so I prayed and prayed. Then there it was, the car restarted and carried on, like nothing had just happened. I was happy but concerned, so I decided to leave early because of this. My interview was scheduled for one o’clock and I was not going to miss it.

It was around twelve o clock and I was headed to the interview. I am about to head onto I4 the highway, and then out of no where, I feel a thump in my back, I take a look in the rearview mirror,to see a young lady crying. I realize I have just been hit. I am in disbelief “what is this now Lord?” (while shaking my head) I get out look at the back of my car, wow to my surprise no scratches or dents on either vehicle. So I state to her (while she is still crying) “no damage done, have a good day!” (with a smile) I drive off, as she is still looking in disbelief and thanking me at the same time. Satan was not going to have his way today, I would make it to this interview. I did just that, I made it in great time, but I knew my mind wasn’t on time. I was still stuck in limbo,  I had no right answers for the two managers. I was all over the place. I had blew my chance, my only chance. The managers stated to me that they would give me a call in two weeks with an answer; I knew what that meant, that meant I didn’t get the job…this would be the Wednesday.

Thursday, I was packing up my things, preparing to move. I had received a response from an apartment complex, stating that they approved me to move in, rent free for the rest of the month. They didn’t even check my last apartment, like they normally do for reference! I was elated, but still I was worried as I still didn’t have a job. How would I pay for rent, BUT I trusted God. The next day which was the Friday, I was at U-Haul, reserving a truck, for my move to my new place. In the middle of the process  I receive a call, I step away to answer and it was the HR rep. I wasn’t expecting to get a call from her, not yet anyways, “Good morning Kelly” I stated.  “Good morning” she stated back, “I just wanted to call and thank you for your interview yesterday and let you know that the company decided”…. I waited for it..(while my eyes are starting to fill with water)…”they decided to welcome you on board!” I started to tremble…tears fell like Niagara Falls  down my face. Kelly asked “do you accept?” I said in a proud and thankful voice,  “yes Kelly, I do!!” (Like she had just asked to marry me) “Ok, great..can you start the following Monday?” I said, “Oh yes” that would give me enough time to move and get ready for my new job, I thought to myself. “Yes, Kelly,” I stated again, that will work just fine, then she stated my offer, my face fell numb, as I remember what I had asked God for in my prayer, (he answered, he really answers prayers) I called pastor, I screamed Amen, God is good!! Pastor screamed with me as well. I cried in overwhelming joy, he cried with me. We were both happy and overjoyed about my new beginnings. Everything was starting to look great. I would be starting school soon, I would have a new job, and I would move into my new home and all the people that were after me, were going away…I went home and fell to the floor and cried and cried and cried, not of sorrow, but joy. God was real! I had a testimony to share and it was all because of my faith, prayers and the pastor by my side. I thought this could only getter better from here…….

Jesus answered me…..

He is smart…full of knowledge. He knew just how to get to me….

I met a young man, a pastor. He was full of life. Beautifully full of character, the most genuine and humble guy that I would meet out of all my 35 years. How we met was strange, he stated that he wasn’t looking for me, but someone how we bumped into each other. A miracle waiting to happen. The pastor came right on time, I was an emotional wreck. My life had almost been destroyed. He would stay up to pray with me, cheer me up when I was down, and he would help me where ever needed. I remember, one day while we were conversing by text…I stated to the pastor “I have a fear that you will one day leave me….as I am not good enough.” The pastor stated to me, “you are more than enough. Don’t you know how special you are? God says that you are wonderfully made (Psalms 139:14). God says that if you were the only one on planet Earth who needed to be saved from sin, he would have sent Jesus to die just for you! You are worth saving! I love you babe and your past is your past. You have moved on and I love you not because of, but in spite of; in spite of all the things you have done, I really and I mean, really love you. I don’t hold it against you, because God doesn’t do that to us. Whom Jesus has set free is free indeed!” John 8:36

Looking Back….

Yea, I knew of him, but I just never knew how much he loved me until now….

He watched my every move, watching and waiting for me to give in and just be with him. I was just too scared. I was afraid, if I made up my mind to be with him only, it was a wrap! I couldn’t do that. My life was on edge, it was like a movie. The script had my character written all over it. I was crazy, adventurous, pretty, and ready to do whatever at whenever. I was the life of the party, at least that’s what I thought. I had multiple friends, I had multiple guys and I even had a hot fashion fetish to go along with all that. My mind was made up, life was just not that bad to stop here or anywhere else. The world was numb to me and I wanted it to remain that way.